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My opinion based on current events, society, and experience. If you want to be offended, reading my unbiased opinion is a great way to learn to hate me.

Suicide Part 4

Suicide is Not Selfish

suicideNow on the subject of suicide being selfish. I understand the argument quite well, I’ve heard it all. In my opinion, suicide isn’t a selfish act, at least not for a good percentage of suicides. I think how one can become selfish in the act of suicide primarily would be where they commit the act. Leaving your body to be discovered by family or children, yes, selfish. I know of a woman who had to find her headless husband on their couch after blowing his brains out. That there is selfish as fuck. I personally plan to take myself out in a secluded place and leave a note as to where authorities can find my body, not let anyone I know have to be scarred and struggle further in life trying to forget the image of my destroyed body. That is of course if I actually am to ever take my own life.

Anyhow, I need to cut this short at this point as I intend to write on other subjects and can’t just make this a blog about suicide. It’s an important subject to me these days, but it’s not the only subject and I wish to leave behind a legacy far more than just blurbs on ending my life.

Suicide = WAR

I expect some backlash from this opinion based commentary, but I feel this is a subject that too easily gets thrown into stereo typed categories and needed some more discussion. As a pro-suicide American, I have never made any new friends with this view or outlook but I felt I needed to share my view on the subject. Suicide will always be a controversial subject. Please try to respect each other in the comments here, but alas, I will more than likely allow even the most insulting of comments to be displayed in the interest of First Amendment Rights.

There are probably going to be some strong opinions in here, I expect religious opinions as well in the comments section below. Feel free to share your take on the subject of suicide and/or experiences. I expect some of you to probably dare me to do the act, troll me, whatever. I do hope that some of you have some important insight to share with the public on this subject though. In the future, there will be some stories of people I know who committed suicide, so if this is a subject of fascination or studies for you in school, subscribe to my RSS feed or one of my social media outlets to be updated on future stories and posts.

Suicide Part 3

Suicide Deserves Celebration

suicideI personally celebrate suicide. I see it as a way for someone in a state of immense suffering taking the necessary steps to take final control needed to end that pain. I celebrate their escape from their agonizing existence, and if they went painlessly, extra exceptionally happy for them.

Yes, there are moments of depression that can be overwhelming one moment that subside and become less life altering if given time and the majority of suicides I believe are mistakes that should have had more thought given to before performing the ultimate act. However, there are those whose entire lives have been filled with woe and no amount of drugs, counseling, or change of outlook can change some really ugly realities. Some realities are just too fucked up and unchangeable to justify existing in them in my opinion. Some pasts cannot be erased, some pasts will forever haunt and torment an individual.

Suicide Should Be Legal

It’s sad to me that it’s a legal crime in the United States to commit suicide. I feel it’s a human right to do with one’s self as they please. I don’t believe this freedom should be infringed upon … ever. The right to end your own suffering, it seems it should be clear cut and not even questioned, but of course, it is.

When the subject of selfishness comes up, I consider the peers and loved ones of the suicide plotter to be the ones being most selfish. To force someone to stay alive and in suffering due to the guilt imposed upon them by society, it’s atrocious. I think people are selfish in the fact that they hold on to their image and perception of a person and refuse to accept that the person has changed and needs to move on in their own fashion, that the person is hurting inside, that nothing can end that hurt.

It can boil down to empathy and life experiences. Many people cannot relate or emotionally fathom the pain of someone’s suffering when it comes to extreme situations. There are many sheltered people who believe that you can fake it until you make it when it comes to severe incident induced depression or PTSD. Some people claim they suffer PTSD from near accidents that resulted in zero tragedy, so it is no shock to me that many couldn’t imagine far more extreme circumstances of PTSD or depression or think you can push through this painful cycle of existence.

I met a guy one time that wanted me to feel sorry for him. His story of how fucked his life had become was all from the early beginnings of his life where he was attacked by a rabid raccoon. That being the beginning of a drawn out life that would get worse when the mother of his child divorced him. He, in his world, had suffered a horrible existence simply having experienced these two “atrocities”. I’ve seen girls cry over a broken nail, and no … it wasn’t from physical pain. I have many other examples, but it’s easy for me to see that there are people who believe they’ve overcome or are suffering through serious tribulations. People who love to give advice and share how I too can overcome my challenges in this world.

Suicide is a Brave Act of Mercy

I don’t think it’s fair of society to call those who’ve committed suicide cowards, weak, selfish, etc. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that life will just get better for everyone. I don’t think it’s fair to assume much of anything negative towards someone ending their life or contemplating it. There is typically real pain and suffering that no positive thinking can change and people have to realize this. I don’t think they ever will because you have to experience the extreme pain and events yourself to ever relate.

In my case, I feel I have a great argument for me killing myself. My existence consists of waking up everyday with a horrible sickened pit of disbelief and grief. It physically hurts. My chest and stomach ache horrible every morning and before bed. For almost two years straight now, everyday I awake and go to bed sick to my stomach, a horrible lump in my throat, along with a panicked state of mind in between my mourning of wondering when I’m finally going to be forced off the couch I’m currently staying on and made to die a painful death in the cold of the night outdoors. A couch that none the less hurts me physically due to me having broke every vertebrae in my neck and back.
I have no living parents or grandparents to ask for a loan to get on my feet. I’ve been denied public assistance on top of that. I can’t sit or stand in one position longer than a half hour before pain, headaches, and chest pains kick in. I get PTSD attacks along with panic attacks at least once a month and the anxiety and fear that’s involved with wondering when the next one will hit is overwhelmingly stressful.

I had to witness my soulmate (my wife) die in agony in front of me for two hours alongside my daughter who screamed for her life and writhed in pain until unconsciousness and eventual death. Two of my most precious people, I had to hear them be terrified and die. Try resting after that without just breaking down heartbroken and terrified every night.

Suicide Is Better Than Normal Death

Only months later would my dad die, and he died homeless. The hospital I guess was sort of a home. A home where they end up amputating your legs and the last week of his life … his fuckin dick. Watching your dad horrified and in pain with no way to save him, it’s a horrible feeling. Poverty sucks for sure. They say money can’t buy you love, true. Money can buy the security necessary for those you love though, and if you don’t have money, that quote is stupid as shit. Poverty kills, plain and simple. My wife and daughter are dead from poverty, and that will be revealed in later posts.

The stress of all this is going to kill me no doubt and kill me in a horrible way that will only give more pain and insult to the last moments of my existence, or I can find a way to end it all now, painlessly and mercifully … while I’m still able bodied and not bed ridden and crippled in a $1,000,000.00 hospital room.

There are many more things that torment me. Many more experiences. I will be sharing those in future posts and short stories here. Honestly though, nothing tops the loss of my wife of ten years and my six year old daughter in 2015 … nothing.

I am not a sadist, and to continue on with life at this point with as much suffering as I endure … I’d have to be one to not commit suicide. At the same time, suicide offers the challenge of finding to end my life painlessly. I don’t want anymore pain, the main reason for my suicidal tendencies … so doing it right, and doing it painlessly as well as even being able to obtain the tools necessary to do so are all obstacles. Calling suicide an easy way out, well for me, I wish it were easy.

Suicide Part 2

Suicide Really a Good Option?

suicideWhen it comes to suicide, surely I am kidding to the benefits of such an act, right? In my opinion, no, not at all. Call me crazy, and you most undoubtedly are, but suicide really has some good positive aspects to it in regards to the realm of death. As a matter of fact, quite possibly, suicide is the best thing to happen to death since … well, um, nothing.

First off, before we go any further, while I believe in suicide as a viable option for those that are completely and irreversibly fucked, it is also entirely my opinion that suicide is not an ideal solution for 99.9% of those inflicted with suicidal tendencies. There are many clinically depressed individuals out there that indeed need counseling and drug therapy. Going through a hard time in life, a divorce, loss of employment, etc. doesn’t warrant the ending of one’s life in my opinion. If there is a way to fix a problem, then people have to learn to fix it and fight to get out of that emotional trap. Sometimes fixing the problem relies on fixing yourself, becoming more independent, learning new habits, etc.

Suicide is Not For Everyone

There are a lot of temporary moments of grief and hardship that need to be ridden out, and I know, because I myself have been suicidal on many separate occasions and am now glad I didn’t go through with the act of suicide then, or failed. There are many reasons to live and many ways to change one’s outlook or conditions if enough work is put into it.

At this moment in life, for myself, I do feel justified in taking my own life and as I reveal my life and hardships throughout time on this site through my short stories, you might see my reasoning in this as well, empathize, or whatever.

None of you reading this though, are in any way to attempt to take your life. I am telling you right here … DON’T FUCKIN DO IT. I doubt your life is worse than mine, if it is, you’re not reading this because you wouldn’t be seeking resolve and would have self-murdered yourself already. I have loose ends before I choose to leave as well as obligations that have kept me painfully tied to existing still, at this moment. Fate could change my outlook in the future between now and then as well, some crazy fate that gives me a new perspective. I don’t see how, but it’s possible.

Anyways, I don’t want to lose sight of the point I am trying to make, so getting back to the subject, I believe there could be benefits to suicide if society changed it’s outlook on the action. Yes, benefits.

Keep in mind, these benefits could only be possible if society accepted suicide differently. As of now, the benefits don’t exist due to the stigma, therefor, no benefits. If people as a whole could accepted suicide as an option for certain ailed persons/victims, we would have some good things we could say about suicide I think. As emphasized though, this is entirely my unpopular opinion.


1. Timely and Insightful Closure – I’ve experienced a lot of death in my lifetime and the one thing lacking 100% of the time has been closure. Death typically comes without warning, same with suicide. This leaves the living in states of shock, horror, and unimaginable grief. A lot of times as well, self blame. Provided that the person performing the suicide isn’t selfish, (trying to hurt others in exchange for hurting them) there is a chance for real dialogue before death.

There is the amazing chance to say goodbye and even celebrate the life with the person while they’re still living. To get things off each your chest, to clarify past misunderstandings, to be at peace without lingering questions and thoughts of blame.

Departure is going to be painful for those that have a loved one that dies. There is no way around that. Someone dedicated to ending their life are going to find a way to do so regardless. Wouldn’t you rather have the opportunity to express your love for that person, to that person, beforehand? Wouldn’t you like the chance to emotionally prepare for the inevitable loss.

2. Less Financial Hardship – If a person planning suicide could commit the act knowing there wouldn’t be an army of resistance standing in their way upon disclosure of intent, there would be less hastily made suicides. This would mean the opportunity to get their finances better arranged to pay for funeral expenses, set up funds for loved ones, liquidation of assets, etc.

3. End Family Feuds – Usually wills are misinterpreted or assets are just left behind for the family to scramble over. This always leads to more pain than is necessary in an already hard time. Imagine if you could have the discussion beforehand with all beneficiary parties to ensure that everyone got what they fairly wanted or at least knew what they indeed were entitled to? Greed and emotionally irresponsible actions would be significantly reduced. This could save entire families.

Okay, so those are just some of the benefits that come to mind off hand. I in no way expect you to change your mind or outlook on suicide. This type of subject is already taboo and the majority of people already have their minds well made up on this subject.


Is Suicide Really That Bad?

Suicide Doesn’t Have To Be So Horrible

SuicideIMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: In this post/article/blurb/story, I am not encouraging the act of suicide or suicidal ideation. This article is not to be taken as advice. This written piece is not professional documentation or examination of the subject. This is an expression of my opinion on a very touchy and taboo subject. If you are having suicidal thoughts or thinking to commit suicide, I highly suggest you call The National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255 and/or seek professional psychiatric help IMMEDIATLY.

Most Awkward Part About Discussing Suicide

You know what the most awkward thing is about the topic of suicide to me? To me, it’s not being found dead from a successful self murder in a odd pose (loss of vanity) or the high probability of shitting and pissing all over yourself during the final stage of life, or post stage of death (extra loss of vanity) … it’s about the inability to talk candidly about the subject.

I’m not saying to exactly be talking and discussing with people about what the best drugs for suicide are, the best painless methods for suicide, what pills kill you fast, death by shotgun, etc. The ability to talk candidly though is important, not for the one planning to kill themselves, but for the ones left behind in the aftermath.

Now, when I say “talk candidly”, I don’t mean the kind of talking that is seeking a solution, ending suicidal ideation. No, I’m not talking about calling suicide hot lines or trying to get help at all, I’m talking about the ability to share your intention to self-destruct without the negative backlash, hostile feedback, or a trip to the loony bin. I’m talking about the ability to have an open dialogue, to clinically discuss suicide as a final decision without emotional, legal, or religious pressures.

Discussing suicide with even the closest friend or relative is hard in general already, but society has found ways to further damage someone by categorizing those seeking to off themselves as emotionally weak, selfish, or seeking attention. Many times called “the easy way out” in an already highly derogatory series of responses.

I’m not talking about sharing and speaking aloud on suicidal thoughts here either. I’m not talking about having discussions on why the person wishes to end their life. I’m talking about someone who has made the decision already and wholly processed the act of ending their life internally. Someone who is not going to be swayed through means of intervention, counseling, or drug therapy.

What Flavor Of Suicide Are We Tasting Today?

The motivation for suicide I’m writing about should be clarified as well. I’m not typing about being terminally ill in a hospital bed at age 98 here. Not that physical pain and impending doom after a fully lived out life isn’t a good argument for suicide or that I don’t believe in it, it’s just not the particular suicide on the dinner plate today.

The motivation for suicide I’m typing about is indeed terminal, but with grief as the culprit. I’m not talking about clinical depression, I’m talking about a painful and sorrowful grief that cannot be cured or diagnosed as a mental health issue. Depression and grief that without a doubt takes the health away from it’s victim on a painful course towards an inevitable and early death anyway. A death that is very likely to end very inhumanly on a physical level none the less to add insult to the mental grievance already being endured. A drawn out torturous existence to the hospital bed to the grave.

Why Make Suicide Worse?

Society and society’s religions have turned suicide into something so completely negative that it causes more pain than is necessary for families, friends, and the one committing the act. There actually are a lot of benefits to this form of death if society could work to remove the stigmata that creates the irrational fears of suicide as well as the increased emotional pain and suffering to the loved ones left behind aka alive.

Recent events with celebrities over the past decade have allowed the topic to be more openly discussed and have made the taboo subject more dinner table friendly. With Robin Williams commiting suicide back in 2014, Phil Collins opening up about his suicidal tendencies in the past, and public hoaxes such as Miley Cyrus commiting the act … we are closer to understanding and empathizing with “victims”. Maybe we are working towards a more open and accepting platform on this subject, only time will tell. It is an important subject though and demonizing the act only shuts doors for those ready to make the final leap.


Thanksgiving Day Part 2

My Crappy Thanksgiving Part 2

Thanksgiving day sucks

So if you already read the first story about my Thanksgiving Day, you know I’m just not feeling it this year and probably any year hereafter. As promised from the first part, here is the extension of my horrible Thanksgiving holiday.

So, you want to know how much worse it could be for a guy like me? Well, let’s just say that the title is already an innuendo, a well punned title. Yes, let’s talk feces shall we. FUCK. Yeah, disgusting to even say, right? Well it gets worse cause I got to experience this shit. <—- punned again

Awakened From My Slumber on Thanksgiving Day

So while sleeping with a buzz, my friend’s telephone rings and it’s my friend’s landlord. Yeah, his landlord, and he’s calling for me. You see, the landlord knows I have been couch surfing for free over the course of this last year and suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. The landlord happens to live a house over from my friend’s and knowing I don’t pay rent, and knowing that normally I should be on the lease, he devised the awesome plan to have me assist him daily randomly as needed in exchange for the free rent. So Thanksgiving evening is no exception and I’ve been called to help the old man to bed.

Now the thing with this old man is that he sends some odd signals that make me uncomfortable sometimes. I always just brush it off, or furiously comb until the tangle of belief is straightened out better. Anyhow, he calls me in to lift him from his wheel chair into his bed, but this time something is a bit off … oh, yeah, the old fucker is stripped down to just some butt huger underwear that’s stretched out so his fuckin dong is hanging out of it, but that just couldn’t be enough, no, it couldn’t … not for my luck.

Now Cover Your Eyes and Try Not to Puke Up Thanksgiving Dinner

The old man is asking me to carry him into his bed but there’s something odd, a smell. It smells like fuckin ass! What’s worse is the old man has some greasy like substance all up his forearms and it smells like literal shit. Now normally you could call me paranoid, but no, unfortunately this guy is a constant perv as is. Usually it’s talk about females, but I’ve gotten some sick vibes off the old fucker. Anyways I lifted him to his bed as quick as possible without vomiting or throwing out my back that is recovering from being broken still.

He tried to keep me around saying I needed to climb onto his bed and fix his pillows. I managed just fine without getting onto this creeps bed. If you ever watched the Simpson’s, he looks like Mr. Burns. Add to it that I am straight and you quickly can gather how disturbing this all is. I could not shower enough after helping this weird gross dude.

Like, what the fuck did he do? Fist himself with both arms up his ass? How the fuck does one do this in his condition? Beats me and I don’t want to know. Fuck that.

Yeah, Thanksgiving Sucks Even More Than This …

To add to the drama of the day is my emotional state. It actually was my birthday this Thanksgiving as well as the anniversary of my biological mother’s death. Add to that everyone else that is dead and me having a feverish cold and pained back …. it was the shittiest day I’ve had in a few days, maybe weeks. As I write my short stories and you read them, you’ll learn that you are lucky … even on a bad day. Anyways, I promised a conclusion to all 20 of you readers and here you have it. I’m going to bed now.

Thanksgiving Day 2016

My Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving Day Sucks

So Thanksgiving Day 2016, wow, what a shitty day. Deader than the turkey that gets served up is my soul. I know, it’s just another day really anyway, but for me it brings back many memories, the good ones, that become sad because everyone in the good memories are dead. All my grandparents are dead, all my parents are dead, and the two people (my wife & daughter) that made everyday shine that little light at the end of my dark tunnel … dead. I guess if I were elderly I’d maybe take this better? Probably not.

So with everyone dead, guess it’s just as good that I fell asleep hungry, cause food wouldn’t had made a difference anyways really. All that reverberated through my thought process yesterday was “fuck the world”, “fuck this”, “fuck that”, and so on. Basically all negativity filled my thoughts yesterday as any other day, tormented by loss. Alone.

Yeah, this is my first post by the way and I’ll warn you, I don’t predict any future posts that don’t involve whining, mourning, self pity, hate, etc. If you want to know the positive side of things, a message of ‘things get better’ … wrong blog buddy. Entirely wrong blog. You’re on the wrong side of the Internet tracks.

Thanksgiving Day Gets Better

So you’d think, “fuck, this dude has it bad enough on his second Thanksgiving Day alone” just based on the primary principle of all his loved ones being dead, but it gets better you see. By better, I mean fucked up the ass with barbed wire. Yeah, that’s the analogy I’ll use for this shit stuffed faced fuck holiday without hesitation. See? It’s been printed, it’s not going to go anywhere. Anyways … so back to my shitty existence story of this holiday season so far.

So to top it off, all week I’ve got my first cold in years. A cold, not too bad a deal this week really. I mean, annoying plugged nose, a cement cough, and a slight fever … it’s doable. Yeah, well doable till Thanksgiving Day! Yeah, so fuck me up the ass with barbed wire day goes on and decides, fuck it, let’s throw in an excruciatingly painful earache. Let’s make sure this fucker hurts, let’s make sure it plugs up, make sure to add a dizzy spell or two. Yeah, so now I’m swollen eyed pacing my friend’s living room, literally drooling from pain, nasally moaning. They’re loving my holiday presence I’ll tell ya.

So here I am, couch surfing my friend’s couch, in misery next to his annoyed wife just suffering, getting glares, having a fuckin blast. I lucked out, my friend bought a few beers and I chugged that shit to ensure a buzz and finally got to pass out. His wife hates me at this point. What the fuck can I do though, really? I don’t have a dime to my fuckin name, my back and neck never healed back right after being broken last year to work, stand, or sit in any one position for any length of time, so what the fuck do I do?  Sorry I bring the cloud of doom, dumb bitch, so fuckin sorry … I appreciate the couch, but I pay a hefty emotional price for that space.

There’s More to My Thanksgiving Day

There’s more fucked shit to write about this day, but I’m sick of typing right now so I’ll make a Thanksgiving Part 2 tomorrow or something. My current feelings consist of feeling drained physically and emotionally less sad today than yesterday although the face of my beautiful wife causes me to miss her more and more. It’s all mental imagery, her face, her smile, her laugh, her gorgeous luscious bare ass as I kiss it. I miss her everyday, I cry everyday … but really, fuck Thanksgiving Day.

Stay tuned for Part Two of this story, cause it gets gross and messed up and the more I think about it, the more I think to myself, “REALLY”!?!??!?!? So yeah, stay tuned.



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